One way to enhance sexual relationships and
explore the ways you like to reach orgasm is to explore oral-genital sex.
When done to the female, oral-genital sex is
called cunnilingus; when done to the male it is called fellatio. It's
hardly a new practice - the ancient Kama sutra had
lots of advice on oral pleasure.
A frequent concern of both men and women about oral-genital activity is
cleanliness. Most of us grow up with the idea that
the genital area is dirty. Even though you may now realize that genitals
are as clean as any other parts of your body, you may still feel
uncomfortable about touching them with your mouth.
One way that we have found helps couples to deal with this concern is
to take a shower together and to spend some time washing each other's
genitals. This not only helps assure clean and fresh smelling genitals,
but gently lathering the genital area with soap and warm water can
provide a great deal of sensual pleasure.
Naturally, if one of you has a cut or sore on your genitals, a sexually
transmitted disease, or herpes, you should not engage in oral or other
sexual contact until the condition is cleared. In addition, oral sex
should not be done if one partner has tested positive for the
or has good reason to suspect exposure to AIDS from prior sexual
contact, drug use, or an untested blood transfusion.
Another worry that couples often have is exactly how to provide
oral stimulation to their partner. If this is true for you, let your
partner guide you with some suggestions on what feels best. One pattern
that you might try is to begin with fondling genitals and gently
nuzzling around the genitals - the stomach, thighs, and pubic hair.
The Pleasure of Oral Sex
During fellatio, the woman can hold the penis and take the
tip of it into her mouth, or run her tongue around the coronal ridge of the
penis. The coronal area, especially on the underneath side of the
penis (the side closest to the scrotum) is especially sensitive. It's important
that the woman do only as much stimulation as she feels comfortable providing.
She may feel more comfortable as the relationship evolves and the partners get
to know each other better. And of course,
a loving relationship may provide
a better foundation for exploration of more sophisticated sexual techniques.
At first, a little genital touching and kissing
may be the extent of fellatio. Later, perhaps after many experiences like this,
she may feel comfortable providing more direct stimulation to the penis. At this
time, try varying the pressure and rhythm on the penis.
Many women find it difficult to encompass the
length of the erect penis in their mouth. But it is not necessary to move your mouth back and forth over the entire
length in order to provide good stimulation; instead you might try using
your hand to stimulate the lower part of the penis (near his body) and
your mouth in a similar rhythm across the upper part of the penis.
good way to discover the best tempo is to follow your partner's
movements and responses. And, of course, to be guided by what they have
to say. Communication between partners is essential in
pleasuring a man.
During oral stimulation to the woman, the same progression can be used.
Begin slowly and gradually around the genitals, and then provide more direct
stimulation to the clitoral area.
Some women like very slow tongue movements, others like a
very rapid flicking movement across the clitoris, or a sucking motion applied to
the clitoris. Start slowly, and build tempo and pressure according to what the
particular woman enjoys. Some communication is helpful.
It's important that you both enjoy what
is going on. One cautionary note: Although oral stimulation to the
vagina is a pleasurable source of stimulation for women, the male should
never blow air into the vagina, since air can enter the bloodstream
directly and be extremely dangerous.
During oral stimulation, many couples enjoy touching other areas of the
body. The male might fondle the woman's breasts or thighs while
stimulating her genitals; the woman might stroke her partner's scrotal
area during fellatio.
Sometimes touching or holding part of your
partner's body while he or she is orally stimulating you is a nice way
to feel closer and more mutually involved.
There are several different positions
in which oral-genital stimulation is possible. The one who is being stimulated
can stand while the partner is kneeling or sitting, both can lie down curled on
their sides with faces near each other's genitals, one person can lie between
the other person's legs, or one person can kneel to stimulate the other who is
sitting on the edge of a bed or comfortable chair.
The one being stimulated can also sit on the upper chest
of the partner who is lying down. In this position, the partner who is being
stimulated is almost kneeling above the other's face.
The one who is doing the pleasuring is free to stroke the
other partner's buttocks or breasts, and the person being stimulated is free to
fondle the partner's genitals. Try experimenting to find which positions you
During this exploration, at first the man should be
relatively still - let the woman explore and experiment as she becomes
accustomed to oral stimulation.
It's a good idea for her to have as much free movement of her head as
possible, so that if the penis inadvertently goes a bit too deep, she
can withdraw quickly, rather than have a choking sensation.
that at least initially, it's not a good idea to use a position in which
the man's weight restricts free movement of the woman's head.
Oral-genital stimulation does not always have to result in orgasm. It
can be used during foreplay to pleasure each other. It can last just a
short while before or after intercourse, or you can continue it for as
long as you like.
As we discussed earlier, many women do not like the
idea of taking ejaculate into their mouths. If this is true for you, you
should work out some convenient signal the man can give you before he
reaches orgasm so this doesn't happen.
On the other hand, you may prefer to allow the male to go ahead and
ejaculate in your mouth. Some women do not mind the taste and consistency of
this fluid and so they usually swallow it.
However, if you
do not wish to swallow the ejaculate, it is possible to position your
mouth in such a way that when your partner ejaculates, you merely hold
the fluid in your mouth and rinse it out or dispose of it into a tissue.
As a couple, you need to work out a pattern that is satisfying to both
Mutual oral-genital stimulation, known also as "sixty-nine" is
something you might want to try if you are both comfortable with
fellatio and cunnilingus.
Although many couples enjoy mutual
stimulation, it is sometimes difficult to enjoy giving and receiving
oral pleasure at the same time. Positions can also be a problem, and you
will have to experiment to find one that suits you best.
woman on top allows her to control the depth of the penis better,
although this is also possible with a side-to-side position.
Anal stimulation is also very arousing for some couples. You can
manually stimulate this area during intercourse or foreplay. If you do
try anal intercourse (inserting the penis into the anus), it's important
to proceed very slowly and gradually.
The anal muscles are much tighter than the vaginal
muscles, and physical damage plus a good deal of pain may result if this is done
A lubricant such as Astroglide or Probe is necessary, and
a comfortable position has the woman lying on her back with her legs slightly
bent at the knees, and her hands free to guide her partner if necessary.
Some couples like to use pillows under the
woman's buttocks as well. If you have never tried anal intercourse, it
is best to start out by inserting a finger, slowly and gently.
several sessions, you should be able to insert two fingers. It is
especially important to make certain that the woman is not experiencing
One way to ensure this is to let the woman guide the man
as to how fast and how hard to thrust. Being sexually aroused also
helps. If any discomfort does occur, try again some other time.
After the woman has become used to the insertion of two fingers, you can
try penile stimulation. Again, go slowly-trying one, two, or three
fingers first before trying to insert the penis.
Make sure that the
penis is well lubricated with Astroglide or that you use a
It's very important that you not go on to vaginal intercourse
immediately after you have tried anal intercourse. The reason is that
some of the natural bacteria in the rectum may cause vaginal infections
if they are transmitted from the anus to the vagina.
If you do want to
have vaginal intercourse right after anal intercourse, the man should
wear a condom during anal intercourse and then remove it before going on
to vaginal stimulation; or if anal intercourse without a condom takes
place, the man should wash his penis well with soap and water before
The power of stepping into your masculinity and femininity
The creativity of your inner Magician, combined with the pleasure
seeking energy of your inner Lover, can provide you with as many variations to sexual activity as you care to take
advantage of-enhancement depends on you and your partner. You can try having sex
at a different time of the day, waking up your partner during the night, or
finding a private place out-of-doors.
If you usually like to be freshly showered for sex, you
might try making love after some sweaty activity on a warm summer day. Or if you generally like to spend
a long time making love, try a "quickie" - some frantic lovemaking
before you have to be somewhere.
How To Delay Ejaculation
Increasing the pleasure you get from sex often involves
giving yourselves more time for a relaxed sensuous experience. Often, however,
what a couple does sexually is determined by when the male partner ejaculates.
Orgasm does not have to signal the end of a sexual
encounter. Although at times you may want to continue pleasuring after
the male has ejaculated, you may also, at times, desire to delay
ejaculation for a while. It is possible to do this through techniques
that seem to inhibit this reflex.
A technique was originally developed
by Dr. James Semans in 1959 in order to teach men to extend the time to
ejaculation. Later, the Semans procedure was modified by Masters and
Johnson and has become known as the "squeeze" technique.
The idea behind both techniques (the pause and the squeeze) is that the
man learns to control the timing of ejaculation without decreasing the
amount of stimulation or the erotic pleasure of arousal and orgasm.
learns to delay ejaculation either by pausing and stopping all
orgasm and ejaculation and sexual stimulation or by squeezing at a certain
place on the penis. Find out more
It's important for the male to learn to determine when he's going to
ejaculate. Most men are aware of a special sensation that signals that
ejaculation is about to occur. This is sometimes called the feeling of "inevitability"
because the reflex has been triggered and will occur automatically whether or
not stimulation is continued.
This response seems to be unique to men; among women,
discontinuing stimulation will almost always prevent orgasm from occurring.
The pause. If the pause technique is used, stimulation and movement must
stop well before the feeling of inevitability occurs.
The male then waits until his high level of arousal
subsides and he feels that stimulation can be resumed. Some men will experience
a partial loss of erection, but renewed stimulation will bring this back.
The advantage to the pause technique is that it is
relatively simple. If the pause is used during intercourse, the man doesn't need
to withdraw but can simply stop all movement.
Couples often enjoy using these brief moments to
experience feelings of closeness and gentle caressing.
A possible disadvantage is that pauses during
intercourse may interfere with the woman's build-up of arousal and her
One way to deal with this would be for the man to
stimulate his partner manually until movement can be resumed.
It's important that the male receive a lot of stimulation rather than a
little. This will allow him to get accustomed to prolonged arousal
without interfering with the enjoyment of sexual stimulation.
We also suggest that the male partner not try to
control his ejaculation by thinking about something else (work, an
unpleasant scene, and so on) - not only does this work poorly but it
also decreases the pleasurable erotic quality of the sexual experience.
The pause technique takes practice -
probably several weeks - but the more it is used, the more effective it
will become. For this reason, the male may choose to practice
ejaculatory control on his own. This can be done by masturbating and
using the pause two or three times a week. Usually the man will find
that after a while he can continue ten to fifteen minutes of active
stimulation with as many as three pauses. These individual masturbation
sessions are helpful for a number of reasons.
They allow him to learn when to pause. It's useful to learn when it
is too late as well as too early to pause. There will be times when this
is misjudged and ejaculation happens anyway. Don't worry if this
happens; missing the moment is another way of learning to identify it
better the next time.
The man is free to experiment with
varying the length of time he pauses. It's important to learn how long
the pause needs to be in order to allow stimulation to be continued for
another period of time. At first, the man may find he needs to pause up
to five minutes. After practice, the pause may be reduced to one minute
written record is often helpful in order to see the progression of
shorter pauses, fewer pauses, and increasing amounts of sexual
Of course, control during masturbation is likely to he a
lot easier than control during foreplay or intercourse. It's a good idea
to use lubricant, fantasy, and erotic material such as pictures or
stories during masturbation to help the physical experience seem more
The squeeze. The squeeze technique is an alternative that some couples
prefer. During the squeeze procedure, the man or the woman applies
pressure to a certain area on the penis just before the moment at which
ejaculation seems inevitable.
inhibit the ejaculatory reflex
and enable the couple to resume sexual stimulation. Often, the man will
lose some of his erection until stimulation is resumed.
The squeeze can be applied either by the male or the
female, and as with the pause, practice improves control. Probably the
best way to begin learning this skill is for the man to use the squeeze
He can then learn when, how hard, and how long to
squeeze. Squeeze using the thumb and next two fingers. The thumb is
placed just under the coronal ridge with the other two fingers directly
opposite on the other side of the penile shaft.
Sufficient pressure must be applied to prevent premature ejaculation. Often men (and
more often women) are surprised at the amount of pressure that can be
applied to the erect penis without causing discomfort.
This is because
the erect penis is filled with blood and because it contains a lot of
spongy tissue that helps absorb the pressure that is applied.
Some men find that positioning their fingers in the way described does
not lessen their arousal level but rather triggers ejaculation.
usually because (a) the man continued stimulation too long, and
ejaculation had already begun; or (b) the position of the fingers on the
head of the penis creates extra stimulation.
If this happens, try
applying the squeeze just under the coronal ridge, without touching the
head of the penis. If the squeeze is practiced during masturbation, the
man should provide plenty of vigorous stimulation before squeezing.
Often, fantasy or the use of erotic material such as
pictures or stories helps to increase arousal and the sexual quality of
As with the pause, over time, the man will
probably be able to engage in fifteen minutes of stimulation with zero
to three squeezes, and the length of time he needs to squeeze should