Delayed ejaculation is caused by a complex mixture of emotional factors and physiological factors. For example you might find a man who feels some guilt or shame around sex, which stops him getting aroused, and perhaps also makes him avoid sex with his partner. The fact that he’s not actively seeking out sex with his partner decreases his libido, and of course this may increase resentment in the relationship between him and his partner.
As time goes by, you can see how things could get progressively worse and more challenging around sex, until a point arises where even when the couple do try to have physical intimacy, it just doesn’t work for either of them. Only the man who can’t ejaculate with his partner during sex can really identify the factors causing delayed ejaculation.
These might include, for example, issues such as low arousal, low libido, suppressed anger, an upbringing in which sex was taboo or shameful, religious repression of sexuality, a fear of women, a desire to be in control during sex, and various fears about sexual activity including getting woman pregnant and being humiliated in some way because of a sense of not being good enough. You can review some scientific work on this issue here.
Interestingly though, it’s not always necessary to get to the root of these problems – sometimes it’s just enough to increase a man’s self-confidence by helping him to find a way of making love that is satisfying to the man and his partner.
And, it’s also true that on occasion, there are problems which do indeed need to be dealt with, including things like vaginal aversion, lack of trust in women,
or deeply ingrained shame and guilt around sexual activity.
Another common problem that needs attention either from the man himself, or from the man in combination with his partner, is a history and practice of harsh masturbation using tight grip and fast movements. A man who has trained his body to respond stimulation at this level of intensity is not likely to be able to reach orgasm easily during vaginal intercourse with his wife or girlfriend, simply because the sensations and pressure on his penis are so much weaker during sex than during masturbation.
An Erection May Not Mean a Man’s Aroused
We are all accustomed to the idea that a man who has an erection is a man who is ready for sex! But it ain’t necessarily so. In reality, many men with delayed ejaculation have hard and long-lasting erections, but they are in fact not really aroused sexually at all. Most men will have experienced the morning erection which isn’t accompanied by a high level of sexual desire. So it’s entirely possible, as you can see, for you to have an erection but not be in a state of sexual arousal.
And when a man doesn’t really understand whether he’s aroused or not, as is often the case with men who have trouble ejaculating, then it’s likely he’s going to attempt to have intercourse with his partner – and, perhaps unsurprisingly, he may not reach orgasm easily. One of the reasons for this can be “autosexuality”, a name coined by the therapist Bernard Althof.
Whatever the reason, it’s not so uncommon for men to have an “autosexual” orientation around sexual activity. What this simply means is that a man simply prefers sexual activity with himself to sexual activity with a partner.nThere are various reasons for this, but essentially at its root a man’s autosexuality is either an avoidance of something that causes him fear, or the fact that he finds sex with his own hand more satisfying than sex with a partner.
There probably aren’t many men who would admit such a thing to their partner, but there are many men who prefer the sensations of masturbation to the sensations of intercourse and perhaps even oral pleasure. After all, sex with yourself doesn’t involve the pressure of pleasing a partner, it doesn’t involve the difficulty of interpersonal relationships, and it can be physically more satisfying. Now obviously there are some problems here. For one thing, a man in this situation is denied the pleasure of an intimate relationship – in fact he may not even understand that an intimate relationship can be pleasurable on both an emotional and a physical level.
And sex, when it does happen, can become a mechanical process, where the man simply thrusts hard into the woman. And of course for a woman it’s probably not especially satisfying to be making love to a man who’s a little bit disconnected from his body, his emotions, and his sense of trust and intimacy.
Discover how to talk to your partner about the problem. Only when the lines of communication are open can you take the first steps to overcoming delayed ejaculation and – if you wish – establishing an openhearted relationship in which you can fully enjoy your masculinity and the power of your sexuality.
Consequences of delayed ejaculation
Not to be able to ejaculate during lovemaking is distressing for both a man and his partner. So what causes this problem – delayed ejaculation – and can a man do to speed up his orgasm during sex?
Good questions, and to answer them, there are two areas we need to look at – the emotional or psychological and the physical.
Let’s start with the emotional and psychological.
Ejaculation Problems & Sexual Problems In Childhood
Things like sexual abuse obviously causes problems later in life. But so does a childhood environment in which sex was regarded as taboo or dirty or shameful. This kind of family environment can lead to the repression of sexual urges in adulthood because there’s so much shame or guilt around sex.
And, let’s face it, men can have all kinds of sexual issues with women, for all kinds of reasons, from outright childhood abuse to unpleasant experiences with bad mothering.
Sometimes the cause isn’t clear, but the problem may be: delayed ejaculation, vaginal aversion (you just don’t like the female genitals), premature ejaculation, sexual shame or guilt, low libido… and so on.
Anger Towards Women
One of the things associated with ejaculation problems in men – whether they come slowly or quickly – is a high level of anxiety about intimacy with women. And, particularly in the case of premature ejaculation, there’s often a high level of anxiety and fear around sex, lovemaking and intercourse.
There are other psychological explanations which are plausible but which can’t be proved one way or the other.
Low Sexual Confidence
Many men with delayed ejaculation have a low level of sexual self-confidence, or perhaps do not think of themselves as particularly good or skilful lovers. In general, any emotional conflicts about sex in general and women in particular will appear as a sexual problem – erectile dysfunction, perhaps, or an ejaculation problem.
Hypnosis may offer a solution for delayed ejaculation
It May All Start In Childhood
Slow ejaculation is can be one outcome of a harsh, punitive, or unfavorable environment during childhood and adolescence. And here, counseling may be helpful: it helps to raise man’s self-esteem and to enable him to establish a better relationship with his sexual partner. Regrettably most men who can’t come during sex are too embarrassed to seek help, which is another reason why a self-help program that can be used at home can be helpful.